i saw this last winter on PBS and it reminded me so much of alicia. she was such an amazing dancer, more than ballet- improv, choreography, whatever. i miss her dancing.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
"There is no death of anything, save in appearance. That which passes over from essence to nature seems to be birth, and what passes over from nature to essence seems to be death. Nothing really is originated, and nothing ever perishes, but only now comes into sight and now vanishes." Apolonius of Tyano, 1st Century AD
When did she tell me about bird nests? It must have been autumn. When leaves depart trees and show what has been hiding in the limbs since spring. She loved the idea of unveiling, yet was one of the few people I've known that could see what was 'underneath' without needing it revealed. Another quote comes to mind from Lies My Teacher Told Me, "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." There are so many true things that are invisible and I think that she is one of them.
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i love how she would do anything with me at any time, and would act crazy with me in ways that no one else would or could. i've never had so much fun.
i also can't believe that the word verification on this page is "peeshi." because that's really close to what i used to call her.
February 20, 2009 12:42 AM
There is so much I loved about Alicia. One of the main things I think about her was that she was a sweetheart. When I talked with her she listened and she gave you the feeling that she wanted to know what you thought. It was such a wonderful characteristic. She was curious enough about the world that she would take an interest that was genuine in just about anything you wanted to talk about. I miss that. My time with her was much too brief. I miss her.
February 21, 2009 4:38 PM
I've written this piece numerous times in my head. I was trying to think why it's taken me a while to get it down on paper. I'm feeling like it's hard to capture and contain memories of Alicia, because it seems like when you can say one thing about her, you can also say the opposite about her. For instance, I was looking at some photos of her yesterday, and you can say that she had a delicate beauty, and that and her breathless and melodic voice lent her a fragile quality, yet she was strong and determined and challenged you to be honest in your dealings with her. And this summer, when she came with us to meet extended family (there were 14 of us in all), she was a part of everything--running in the traditional 4th of July road race (you have to get up EARLY to participate), sitting on the curb downtown at 2:00 in the afternoon to watch the pretty lame parade, and showing an ease in being with people, the majority of whom were strangers to her. Yet, even in her ability to connect with people, she carried with her an abiding loneliness that makes me tear up when I think of it.
There's a song that has rumbled around in my head almost since the moment I found out that Alicia had died, and as Anna and Dan and I were driving back from her funeral, the sun was setting over the beautiful countryside of northern Michigan, and I finally put it in the CD player. It was written by Jackson Browne (I'm showing my age here) after his first wife had committed suicide. It is a bittersweet comfort....."For a Dancer":
Keep a fire burning in your eye, pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down.
I don't remember losing track of you, you were always dancing in and out of view,
I must have thought you'd always be around, always keeping things real by playing the clown;
Now you're nowhere to be found.
I don't know what happens when people die,
Can't seem to grasp it as hard as i try.
It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear that I can't sing, I can't help listening.
And I can't help feeling stupid standing 'round, crying as they ease you down,
'Cause I know that you'd rather we were dancing, dancing our sorrow away, no matter what fate chooses to play.
Just do the steps that you've been shown by everyone you've ever known until the dance becomes your very own.
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone.
Keep a fire for the human race,
Let your prayers go drifting into space,
You never know what will be coming down.
Perhaps a better world is drawing near,
Just as easily it could all disappear, along with whatever meaning you might have found.
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around.
Go on and make a joyful sound.
Into a dancer you have grown from a seed somebody else has thrown.
Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own.
And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go,
May lie a reason you were alive but you'll never know.
Alicia threw in our direction her seeds of creativity and love and intelligence and the mystery of it all, and we must dance those seeds into bloom....But--I still miss her, and always will.
My love always,
Kathy
February 23, 2009 7:58 PM
I wrote this a day after I heard of Alicia's death. It's all true.
She once told me that cigarettes would be there for me when no one else would. I only remembered this after I smoked cigarette after cigarette trying to numb myself from the tragedy, and I am not a smoker. I close my eyes and I see her swinging. She once told me that Andy Warhol emptied an entire bottle of wine onto a table because he was so entranced by the pouring liquid. Of it’s beauty. It’s fluidity. A metaphor for her life. Her life is liquid, washing over those surrounding her. She entrances us, until she’s all gone. Empty. Swinging.
Alicia liked to graffiti. She painted a golden banana on a bathroom near a beach. When I heard of her death I got in a car and drove to that bathroom. It wasn’t there. I drove to another beach, another bathroom, and another, and another. I was a crazy person circling bathrooms searching for her golden banana. As I arrived at the last beach I could think of the sun was setting. I ran down to the surf and lit up, wondering if she could see me. I sat and watched the sun disappear. Saddened by the fact that she would never see a new day, and angry that she choose it to be that way. Every puff of smoke I put into my lungs I wanted to scream out. I let myself. I screamed. I felt reckless, like I wanted to jump from high places, or drive fast, and get high, and get drunk, and pour, and be entranced by her again.
The last night I spent with her she gave me one of her paintings. On it is a golden banana. It had just been sitting on my desk, forgotten. When I got home and was all alone I paced and cried. I threw things. And then I saw the banana. I did find it after all, just not on a bathroom. I picked up the little painting and turned it over, wishing to see her name written in her hand, instead I found the title, “I forgot to mail Bono my birth certificate.” That was Alicia. She was funny. I couldn’t sit in my empty home any longer. I took the painting and got into my car and drove to Meijer. It was one in the morning. I walked through the empty aisles under the fluorescents lights with dark circles under my eyes. My image on the outside was an understatement of how I felt on the inside. I found picture frames. I found golden spray paint. I found the check out. A woman looked at me and said, “Isn’t it a little late to be shopping?”
“Can’t sleep.” I replied and walked out. I wanted to be with someone. I felt alone. And yet I wanted to be. I wanted my loneliness and sadness to cover me. It felt right. Any other emotion would just be wrong. When I arrived home I tore off the plastic casing around the frame, hurting my hands as I bent back the metal pieces that kept the backing tight against the glass. I brought the back piece into my garage and spray painted it gold, getting it on my hands in the process. My recklessness humored me and I had the sudden urge to spray paint my car gold. I suppressed it. When the paint dried I placed her art the middle of the golden background and reassembled the frame. It is my tribute to her. The frame faces me now as I type. The only other way I can think of to her honor her life is to live, and I will. Everyday.
Bronwyn
February 24, 2009 12:34 PM
I am riding in a car with a friend yesterday when I say aloud what I feel inside a thousand times a day, "I miss Alicia." That simple statement funnels all the chaos of my emotions into one concise statement of simple complexity.... I MISS ALICIA. She is the first and last thought of every day and fills the space with her presence anytime there is a pause in my day. Sometimes it feels like I put my thoughts and feelings of Alicia in a package on a shelf of my heart so that I can function.... breathe in , breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. But even the effort of pushing her away keeps her even more present. Alicia is the background for all my thoughts. My memories of her infuse into all my work with parents of young children. My hopes and dreams for the future have adjusted to now accomodate the thought of "What would Alicia do... or think... or say?" Because she always had alot to do, and think, and say..... and much of it was meaningful, and insightful and oh, so very brilliant.
There is a very large hole in my heart that no amount of giving, caring, helping, or loving will ever fill. But because of her and in honor of her, I will try. And if in the effort I find some of the hope and love and peace that so eluded Alicia, I will have carried her gifts, her very being into a better world....
February 26, 2009 9:55 PM
Didn't really know each other ... I know you and I know the effect she had on you. I was always in awe. I was so intimidated to meet her that when it happened it didn't go so well. She encouraged you to be friends which, when you told me, really touched me. It was sweet and our short conversation the night we hung out made me laugh warmly ... and, I think, she was laughing with me too ... or perhaps just at me. Either way I felt like I had arrived in some way. I was OK because she seemed to be giving me her OK.
That was nice and it has always stuck with me, as did the power of her words in her letter to you ... the heartbreak I felt for you, the weight of her sadness was too much for me.
I understood her part in your life as much as I ever could right then
March 8, 2009 1:37 PM
A L I C I AAAAIIII... ALICIA!!!! Amazing Love Intensely Covered In Awe
Though my personal contact was brief, I saw her love in action when you brught her with you to Takin' It To The Streets. It was a love I had seen in you many times before... Today Alicia lives on in the hearts, minds and souls of all whose life she touched... be it a moment or a lifetime. The expressions shared here tell of the woman who lives on in spirit and in truth for she has left her indelible mark that no amount of time will erase! It is her greatest work of art on the canvas of the soul.
March 9, 2009 4:07 AM
In early Augusta of 2008, I traveled to Maryland to attend the wedding of my favorite cousin. The wedding was a blast, so low key, friendly, and cool. It was great. James couldn’t come because he had just started a new job and couldn’t get the time off, but other than that it was perfect.
Not long after I got back, only a few days after, my mom called me and told me they had found alicia’s car, running at a rest stop but they couldn’t find her. This news was alarming, yes, but we didn’t immediately panic. A few days later, james and I were sitting on the couch on our laptops as usual, when his phone rang. After a few seconds, he handed me the phone and told me to go in the bedroom and talk to my mom.
I will never forget my mom weakly choking out the words “they found alicia’s body…”
I remember as a kid, the plots to extend our visits so we wouldn’t have to part. I remember faking tears and praying for tornados. I remember flashlight tag, making forts in the forest, camping trips, splashing in hotel pools, rustic cabin stays, and countless other happy childhood memories. I remember the indescribable “searching for uncle bob.” when we finally found him, I wished we hadn’t.
I remember when she moved in with my family. At the time, I was in a relationship with james long distance while living with my parents and going to Hope college. She moved into to the tiny house with only two bedrooms, so I offered to let her stay with me. as in, in my room with me. As in, in my bed with me. but it was alicia, so i was totally ok with it. and though the living situation turned out to have it’s share of challenges, it was awesome. oh the things we would do together. Like going to get dessert at denny’s at odd hours of the night. Or blasting the theme from 2001: a space odyssey while halving a watermelon and eating it with spoons. Or starting a white female rapping duo known as will’b and co-pay. Or watching ER and sex and the city DVDs for hours on end. Or buying soy nog from Meijer's and chugging it in the parked car. At one point she even started running with me, and it turned out she really liked it. she said it was the one time she felt like she was doing something good just for herself. We also did this silly bellydance workout DVD, called dolphina’s goddess workout.
The next summer, though, my life was slated to change. I loved james, and I wanted to be done with the whole long distance thing. I wanted to move down south and transfer schools to be closer to him. He had moved up there for a year, and now I was going to move down there. So in may, he drove up there and stayed for about a month. This living arrangement was very cramped, and james and Alicia weren’t exactly two peas in a pod. They can both be very opinionated and touchy, so sometimes they didn’t get along. After that month, james and I packed up my stuff and moved to Georgia. I cannot say that I regret this choice, but I also cannot deny that things with me and Alicia were never quite the same after I left. We were still close, but there was nothing like those few precious months when we lived together. It was like something perfect that can never be duplicated. Is it too cheesy to say that I will treasure it always, now that she’s gone? Either way, I will. Other than my few visits back to Michigan, we largely lost contact.
My world was shattered by that phone call, and the news that she was dead. I flew to Detroit for the funeral. It was torture. I felt and still feel so awful that I did not value my time with her more, and that I let us drift apart after I moved out. Yes, james is absolutely important to my life, but did I have to put that before her, so blatantly? We always talked about doing dolphina’s goddess workout again, and we never did. Now we never will.
Her death broke my heart in a big way. I thought temporarily breaking up with james and losing my dog hurt, and they did. I don’t want to minimize the pain of those events, because I think that pain was very valid. But this was of another caliber. I don’t know how else to say it.
Like so many people in her life, I was deeply affected by her death. I was not in denial. No, quite the opposite: it felt all too real. I wished it were a dream but I knew it was not. I think alicia’s death is a big part of why I stopped writing. This is the first time I have written at length about the experience. It has been some seven moths since she died, and even now this is very hard for me write, and I’m crying as I type this and forcing the words out. It’s like the pain in my heart was too suffocating for me to put it to words. But i suppose there comes a time for facing it.
March 17, 2009 2:43 AM